I’ve been on the wrong road for too long. Being on the wide road at all is too long, but I’ve worn that road down [It has probably worn me down a lot more than I the road. Even though it takes a lot to break me, the road seems to be more durable than myself.] I have been looking for satisfaction in every kind of way. True satisfaction and joy does not come from pushing your body to run for a long time, or from creating an amazing piece of artwork, or from receiving love and acceptance from your friends, or even from doing good to others or being able to read the Bible all they way through. With myself in the center of my attention and energy all the time, none of these things are good.
Because I have not been obedient or repentant, God has allowed me to see what life is like without much of His power working in my life. Having the ability to choose what I want to do, I did just that. All the while, I fooled myself into thinking lukewarm is okay, that lukewarm people can be followers of Christ, that lukewarm people can be kingdom minded, that lukewarm people can please God. Lukewarm is worse than being cold in God’s eyes, but lukewarm looks better on the outside than cold does. However, being lukewarm devours me on the inside.
I want to be on the narrow road that leads to life, but as I have experienced, there is nothing I can do on my own to get there. I’ve tried and it seems as the more I tried, the wider my path got. I couldn’t get anywhere. I became more frustrated, more miserable with each passing day. After a while, I wasn’t even getting my way anymore. God has shut me off from the things I want; they are no longer accessible as they once were.
Paul mentions God giving people over to their desires, letting them indulge themselves in sin.
“Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.” Ephesians 4:19
I have done that. I got what I wanted for long enough. My immediate needs or wants were satisfied; shortly after I was left feeling empty [and insanely craving more.] Still I run back and cling to those things that quickly “satisfy” and slowly gnaw at heart. As for chasing after meaningless desires, C.S. Lewis says:
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." The Weight of Glory
This is me – all the way. We settle for cheap substitutes of what real joy and life is. We should be viewing our “lovers” with disgust…
At some point along the way, God did not even allow me to get the things I once could – I could search for the things that once gave me immediate satisfaction, but even those things were nowhere to be found. Those too have cast me away. It goes a little something like this:
“…for she thought: I will go after my lovers, the men who give me food and water, my wool and flax, my oil and drink. Therefore, this is what I will do: I will block her way with thorns; I will enclose her with a wall, so that she cannot find her paths. She will pursue her lovers but not catch them; she will seek them but not find them. Then she will think: I will go back to my former husband, for then it was better for me than now.” Hosea 2:5-7
It took a while for me to actually experience the truth that I am far better off being faithful and obedient to God, taking the narrow path, putting my trust in Him rather than in worthless fleeting junk. I got to the point where things were coming out of me that I did not necessarily know were there, and the only option I had was to turn to God. I was ashamed, scared, hurt, and my need for Him felt immensely strong. Unfortunately it took being chipped away over a period of time to break as much as I did this time. There are times when I thought I could not get any worse, but I know that to be false. Many times I have related to the ‘prodigal son’ as well who squanders his inheritance, becomes miserable, and realizes he was better off living under his father’s care. And upon his return home, his father had compassion on him and ran towards him to embrace him. May I not turn away from such a loving husband and forgiving father as He.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
I also realize that I can’t do it. I cannot. He must transform my heart. I must become dependant upon His power and abilities. I know that fruit comes from remaining in Him and that is how the Father is glorified [John 15.] These things I know, but do not know how to transfer the knowledge to faith…
…but I want Him to do in me what He desires to do.
True joy comes from the Lord, and I don’t know that I have ever experienced that for very long, but I’d like to. I hope to be on the narrow road soon.
