what i want may not be what i need

There's not much in life that I want right now.

But there's one thing I want so badly that it might kill me. It may hold me back. I may never mature. I may never change. I may never let go. I may always be as selfish as I am now. And I'm not okay with that.

I apparently want to sacrifice growth in exchange for making myself miserable trying to get what I can't have. Even though it is clear to me that to have any chance, I must change.

I can't see that what I want is not what I need. I want to know why.

I want to cry, and I want to die. (And it's really not that big of a deal - my life isn't that difficult) I've got no integrity, no character, no strength or self control, no will to listen.

I don't want to persevere through the pain. I can't see how it's going to end up. I can't know if it's going to be better. I keep making the same miserable mistakes, having the same miserable thoughts, hoping that I'll get what I want. I don't even learn from experience. I just do what I want. And I just can't do anything but that.

And for the next year, I may stay the same. I may have the same struggles. And I'm not okay with that.

I am not capable of anything good.

i lack faith and trust.

i don't trust that God has the best in mind.

i don't trust that he'll change me.

or else i would have let him do that by now.

I wish I did.

When will what I want be what I need? I need to be there. I need to want what He wants.

from romans 1 and 2

I worship created things rather than the Creator, more than I worship the Creator. I still do these things though I know God’s just sentence for such things is death. God’s wrath should scare me. He will bring everything to light. He is just.

3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

5 But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 God “will repay each person according to what they have done.” 7 To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. 8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. [Romans 2]

I’m reminded that I am no better than others; I’m reminded that God’s kindness is intended to lead me to repent. Instead I usually just take His kindness as a free pass to continue disobeying.

I am so good at exchanging eternal treasures for finding immediate satisfactions here in this world. I must persist in doing good rather than persist in rejecting truth and doing evil.

28 A person is not a Jew who is one only outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. 29 No, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a person’s praise is not from other people, but from God. [Romans 2]

Although I am stubborn and evil, the Spirit can continuously circumcise the heart. I have hope in this.

I need faith and to learn to trust.

m a y b e .

Today was the second time this semester that I’ve been in a professor’s office and they asked me what happened to me this semester/why did I stop coming to class?

First time was when Mr. Smathers, my oil painting professor, called me during class that I was skipping to ask me to come to his office. That was my third class in a row to be skipping. He wondered why he was losing me, if something was going on that was distracting me from my academic courses, etc. I had nothing good to excuse myself with. I just lose motivation; I don’t care; I don’t see any urgency in learning; there’s no immediate result or reward; I don’t finish what I start. Part of my excuse that I told him was that I just didn’t feel good, my allergic reaction to bites had left me zapped of energy…whatever, I’m full of poop. Maybe the solution is just to

poop it all out.

I ended up talking to him for 45 minutes and not having to go to class, which I think I prefer that. I enjoy talking to my professors, and I think I’m pretty good at carrying on conversation with them…maybe it’s the other way around though. Like my art teacher in high school, he doesn’t want to see someone with talent just waste it away, not develop my skills and actually do something with art. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.

Second time was today in my Spanish professor’s office. I had an interview for a grade, and she told me afterwards, “You’re a terrific student, but you’re a horrible student.” It’s the whole

I’m-smartandhavepotential-but-don’t-go-to-class-speech again.

I break teachers’ hearts.

I hate the feeling I get when I disappoint people…always have hated it. I feel it quite often though, so do I really hate it? Or do I actually like disappointing people? I think I just like pleasing myself so much, more than I do to keep my word or to please others, so I just do what pleases me.

I’m not motivated to change it. Goals do not motivate me. Consequences do not motivate me. I can’t see the end, so I have no desire to pretend like I can. I just get to the end and realize I didn’t do what I needed to do. I almost refuse to do anything I don’t want to do; unless I enjoy it,

Count.

Me.

Out.

That’s one reason I like being an artist…I bought into choosing something you like to do and would do without getting paid and do that for the rest of your life. But I let that mindset control all areas of me life.

What motivates me? Is it only when things benefit me? Even when things will benefit me, I still don’t do them. I’m unwilling to work for it…

Another thing that’s been getting to me is the fact I think I’m so freaking special. I think I can get special treatment everywhere I go by smooth talking my way to it. and I’m not even a smooth talker. I think I

D e s e r v e

special treatment. I think I can show up a few minutes late to everything. Don’t start getting ready until the class or event starts?

Where did I get this from? Who told me I was special, more special than others?

A cop asked me that a few months ago after I parked somewhere that no one should ever park I guess. He asked me “what makes you think you’re more special than everybody else?” Of course I told him I don’t think that. (Of course I lied to the cop.)

Tell me I’m not special, give me truth.

So I guess my questions to figure out are:

How can I be motivated/what motivates me?

How can I counteract/get rid of the mindset that I’m someone special?

…obviously thinking of others as better than myself, treating others as better than myself would be a good practical start.

I know there’s more to it, and I want to figure it out so I can fix it. Maybe it doesn’t matter about being motivated, just make myself do the things I need to do. I think about how much more meaningful my life could have been up to this point if I’d done everything as well as I could or if I’d paid attention in every situation, whether it’s in class or to the person I’m with. Maybe if I applied myself all the time, I’d be motivated by the results, but it’s the getting started that’s the hardest part.

Maybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybe.

Maybe if I just gave God control and had more faith and trust in Him…