what i want may not be what i need

There's not much in life that I want right now.

But there's one thing I want so badly that it might kill me. It may hold me back. I may never mature. I may never change. I may never let go. I may always be as selfish as I am now. And I'm not okay with that.

I apparently want to sacrifice growth in exchange for making myself miserable trying to get what I can't have. Even though it is clear to me that to have any chance, I must change.

I can't see that what I want is not what I need. I want to know why.

I want to cry, and I want to die. (And it's really not that big of a deal - my life isn't that difficult) I've got no integrity, no character, no strength or self control, no will to listen.

I don't want to persevere through the pain. I can't see how it's going to end up. I can't know if it's going to be better. I keep making the same miserable mistakes, having the same miserable thoughts, hoping that I'll get what I want. I don't even learn from experience. I just do what I want. And I just can't do anything but that.

And for the next year, I may stay the same. I may have the same struggles. And I'm not okay with that.

I am not capable of anything good.

i lack faith and trust.

i don't trust that God has the best in mind.

i don't trust that he'll change me.

or else i would have let him do that by now.

I wish I did.

When will what I want be what I need? I need to be there. I need to want what He wants.