what i want may not be what i need

There's not much in life that I want right now.

But there's one thing I want so badly that it might kill me. It may hold me back. I may never mature. I may never change. I may never let go. I may always be as selfish as I am now. And I'm not okay with that.

I apparently want to sacrifice growth in exchange for making myself miserable trying to get what I can't have. Even though it is clear to me that to have any chance, I must change.

I can't see that what I want is not what I need. I want to know why.

I want to cry, and I want to die. (And it's really not that big of a deal - my life isn't that difficult) I've got no integrity, no character, no strength or self control, no will to listen.

I don't want to persevere through the pain. I can't see how it's going to end up. I can't know if it's going to be better. I keep making the same miserable mistakes, having the same miserable thoughts, hoping that I'll get what I want. I don't even learn from experience. I just do what I want. And I just can't do anything but that.

And for the next year, I may stay the same. I may have the same struggles. And I'm not okay with that.

I am not capable of anything good.

i lack faith and trust.

i don't trust that God has the best in mind.

i don't trust that he'll change me.

or else i would have let him do that by now.

I wish I did.

When will what I want be what I need? I need to be there. I need to want what He wants.

from romans 1 and 2

I worship created things rather than the Creator, more than I worship the Creator. I still do these things though I know God’s just sentence for such things is death. God’s wrath should scare me. He will bring everything to light. He is just.

3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

5 But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 God “will repay each person according to what they have done.” 7 To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. 8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. [Romans 2]

I’m reminded that I am no better than others; I’m reminded that God’s kindness is intended to lead me to repent. Instead I usually just take His kindness as a free pass to continue disobeying.

I am so good at exchanging eternal treasures for finding immediate satisfactions here in this world. I must persist in doing good rather than persist in rejecting truth and doing evil.

28 A person is not a Jew who is one only outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. 29 No, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a person’s praise is not from other people, but from God. [Romans 2]

Although I am stubborn and evil, the Spirit can continuously circumcise the heart. I have hope in this.

I need faith and to learn to trust.

m a y b e .

Today was the second time this semester that I’ve been in a professor’s office and they asked me what happened to me this semester/why did I stop coming to class?

First time was when Mr. Smathers, my oil painting professor, called me during class that I was skipping to ask me to come to his office. That was my third class in a row to be skipping. He wondered why he was losing me, if something was going on that was distracting me from my academic courses, etc. I had nothing good to excuse myself with. I just lose motivation; I don’t care; I don’t see any urgency in learning; there’s no immediate result or reward; I don’t finish what I start. Part of my excuse that I told him was that I just didn’t feel good, my allergic reaction to bites had left me zapped of energy…whatever, I’m full of poop. Maybe the solution is just to

poop it all out.

I ended up talking to him for 45 minutes and not having to go to class, which I think I prefer that. I enjoy talking to my professors, and I think I’m pretty good at carrying on conversation with them…maybe it’s the other way around though. Like my art teacher in high school, he doesn’t want to see someone with talent just waste it away, not develop my skills and actually do something with art. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.

Second time was today in my Spanish professor’s office. I had an interview for a grade, and she told me afterwards, “You’re a terrific student, but you’re a horrible student.” It’s the whole

I’m-smartandhavepotential-but-don’t-go-to-class-speech again.

I break teachers’ hearts.

I hate the feeling I get when I disappoint people…always have hated it. I feel it quite often though, so do I really hate it? Or do I actually like disappointing people? I think I just like pleasing myself so much, more than I do to keep my word or to please others, so I just do what pleases me.

I’m not motivated to change it. Goals do not motivate me. Consequences do not motivate me. I can’t see the end, so I have no desire to pretend like I can. I just get to the end and realize I didn’t do what I needed to do. I almost refuse to do anything I don’t want to do; unless I enjoy it,

Count.

Me.

Out.

That’s one reason I like being an artist…I bought into choosing something you like to do and would do without getting paid and do that for the rest of your life. But I let that mindset control all areas of me life.

What motivates me? Is it only when things benefit me? Even when things will benefit me, I still don’t do them. I’m unwilling to work for it…

Another thing that’s been getting to me is the fact I think I’m so freaking special. I think I can get special treatment everywhere I go by smooth talking my way to it. and I’m not even a smooth talker. I think I

D e s e r v e

special treatment. I think I can show up a few minutes late to everything. Don’t start getting ready until the class or event starts?

Where did I get this from? Who told me I was special, more special than others?

A cop asked me that a few months ago after I parked somewhere that no one should ever park I guess. He asked me “what makes you think you’re more special than everybody else?” Of course I told him I don’t think that. (Of course I lied to the cop.)

Tell me I’m not special, give me truth.

So I guess my questions to figure out are:

How can I be motivated/what motivates me?

How can I counteract/get rid of the mindset that I’m someone special?

…obviously thinking of others as better than myself, treating others as better than myself would be a good practical start.

I know there’s more to it, and I want to figure it out so I can fix it. Maybe it doesn’t matter about being motivated, just make myself do the things I need to do. I think about how much more meaningful my life could have been up to this point if I’d done everything as well as I could or if I’d paid attention in every situation, whether it’s in class or to the person I’m with. Maybe if I applied myself all the time, I’d be motivated by the results, but it’s the getting started that’s the hardest part.

Maybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybemaybe.

Maybe if I just gave God control and had more faith and trust in Him…

take the road less traveled.

I’ve been on the wrong road for too long. Being on the wide road at all is too long, but I’ve worn that road down [It has probably worn me down a lot more than I the road. Even though it takes a lot to break me, the road seems to be more durable than myself.] I have been looking for satisfaction in every kind of way. True satisfaction and joy does not come from pushing your body to run for a long time, or from creating an amazing piece of artwork, or from receiving love and acceptance from your friends, or even from doing good to others or being able to read the Bible all they way through. With myself in the center of my attention and energy all the time, none of these things are good.

Because I have not been obedient or repentant, God has allowed me to see what life is like without much of His power working in my life. Having the ability to choose what I want to do, I did just that. All the while, I fooled myself into thinking lukewarm is okay, that lukewarm people can be followers of Christ, that lukewarm people can be kingdom minded, that lukewarm people can please God. Lukewarm is worse than being cold in God’s eyes, but lukewarm looks better on the outside than cold does. However, being lukewarm devours me on the inside.

I want to be on the narrow road that leads to life, but as I have experienced, there is nothing I can do on my own to get there. I’ve tried and it seems as the more I tried, the wider my path got. I couldn’t get anywhere. I became more frustrated, more miserable with each passing day. After a while, I wasn’t even getting my way anymore. God has shut me off from the things I want; they are no longer accessible as they once were.

Paul mentions God giving people over to their desires, letting them indulge themselves in sin.

“Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.” Ephesians 4:19

I have done that. I got what I wanted for long enough. My immediate needs or wants were satisfied; shortly after I was left feeling empty [and insanely craving more.] Still I run back and cling to those things that quickly “satisfy” and slowly gnaw at heart. As for chasing after meaningless desires, C.S. Lewis says:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." The Weight of Glory

This is me – all the way. We settle for cheap substitutes of what real joy and life is. We should be viewing our “lovers” with disgust…

At some point along the way, God did not even allow me to get the things I once could – I could search for the things that once gave me immediate satisfaction, but even those things were nowhere to be found. Those too have cast me away. It goes a little something like this:

“…for she thought: I will go after my lovers, the men who give me food and water, my wool and flax, my oil and drink. Therefore, this is what I will do: I will block her way with thorns; I will enclose her with a wall, so that she cannot find her paths. She will pursue her lovers but not catch them; she will seek them but not find them. Then she will think: I will go back to my former husband, for then it was better for me than now.” Hosea 2:5-7

It took a while for me to actually experience the truth that I am far better off being faithful and obedient to God, taking the narrow path, putting my trust in Him rather than in worthless fleeting junk. I got to the point where things were coming out of me that I did not necessarily know were there, and the only option I had was to turn to God. I was ashamed, scared, hurt, and my need for Him felt immensely strong. Unfortunately it took being chipped away over a period of time to break as much as I did this time. There are times when I thought I could not get any worse, but I know that to be false. Many times I have related to the ‘prodigal son’ as well who squanders his inheritance, becomes miserable, and realizes he was better off living under his father’s care. And upon his return home, his father had compassion on him and ran towards him to embrace him. May I not turn away from such a loving husband and forgiving father as He.

No, I do not want to give up my selfishness and die to myself. But I know it is best.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

I also realize that I can’t do it. I cannot. He must transform my heart. I must become dependant upon His power and abilities. I know that fruit comes from remaining in Him and that is how the Father is glorified [John 15.] These things I know, but do not know how to transfer the knowledge to faith…

…but I want Him to do in me what He desires to do.

True joy comes from the Lord, and I don’t know that I have ever experienced that for very long, but I’d like to. I hope to be on the narrow road soon.

opposition as opportunity.

For father’s day, we had a smoke out. We had a lot of games planned and a short service. We were expecting a fair amount of people to come to it. It started at ten, and when it hit 10:45 with no visitors there, the interns were sent into the neighborhoods to do whatever it takes to get people there. I considered using one of the baseball bats to knock people out and drag them over because love hurts, but I wouldn’t actually do that… We had already left flyers on the doors in this neighborhood a couple days earlier, so I personally did not want to go knock on any doors on a Sunday morning. Jenn thought the same thing but mentioned that we should knock on a few doors as the Spirit led. I had a bad attitude about that, so I cut the conversation off. I started to pray as we were walking and began to think that I wanted to do absolutely nothing but pray for the people in the houses that we passed. I wanted to pray and if people came, it would be all because God was working and by nothing that Jenn or I did. I prayed that and kept walking. I told Jenn what I wanted to do (and hopefully it was what God wanted us to do.) She laughed and said that was what she had just prayed. We continued walking and praying with occasional conversation for the next twenty to thirty minutes. We headed back to help with a free car wash… We had one family show up, but it’s not discouraging. It reminds me that we are not in control and that God is. It leaves room for hope. It leaves room to say in a few months, look at what we started with and now look how far God has brought us.

We’ve been trying to find locations for some of the camps. This may not be the case with all the locations we looked at, but because we are a church, some places have turned us down. The city tells us we can use a building, so we go to hand them a check, and they change their mind. YMCA tells us we can use their gym for a basketball camp, and they change their mind. Whatever the reasons are for doors closing, we continue to seek God and His will and pray for the people of this city.

I read Jon Foreman’s essay about Joan of Arc and her heroism. Though she faced opposition, though odds were against her, she pressed on. Just the fact that she was a woman created opposition for her, but she used it as opportunity, and this opportunity led to her courageous death.

I already know that God is victorious, and I want to live like I know that. Although I am far from it, I want my attitude to become like this:

“Yes, I have my dragons to fight. Yes, I have my fears. But I still have breath in my lungs,I still have blood in my veins. I cannot sit idly by. I refuse to just let the village burn. I'd rather side with the illiterate farm girl who hears things than the cynics who hear nothing. I want to see beauty come from the ashes around me. Even if I fail, I will burn at the stake knowing that my fumes supported a good cause. Far better to fail at building a magnificent world than to succeed in monochromatic survival.

So when the voices tell me to quit, to give in, to give up - - I stand my ground. I refuse to be the cynic. It takes one to know one, you see, and I know cynicism far too well. So I raise my voice above the snickering sarcasm within and without and dare to hope.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jon-foreman/the-dark-horse- joan-of-ar_b_558967.html

Whether turn outs are high or low, whether buildings are available or not, whether things work out how I think they should or not, I will still try to listen and obey the Spirit guiding me along the way. I will try to look at opposition as opportunity.

.through a different lens.

I’m in Kansas, but I’ll start with a couple thoughts from before I left for Kansas. I wasn’t exactly living an obedient life, so I wasn’t ready to live a summer serving God when I hadn’t been all year long. I wouldn’t say that I failed to surrender to God, but I would say that it was a surrender that needs to happen every single day that I failed to do. I start thinking I’m doing okay and then that pride backfires. Daily surrendering is something I have to constantly work on, and it’s not any easier here. I am missing out on knowing the joy of his redemption, the joy in sharing his love, the joy that comes from suffering when I’m not being obedient. I haven’t even been following his general will for my life because I have been so consumed in what I want, yet God still chose me and allowed me to serve Him and others this summer. Nothing I did got me here this summer. His grace brought me here. Serving Him is something he allows me to do everyday no matter where I am, and I take that for granted. I need to let go of doing everything for myself and in my way and sacrifice what is important to me and let what is important to God become important to me.

I made a list of goals for this summer while I was at the beach…they pretty much lined up with what Brother Phil preached about from Colossians two days before I left.

Goals…

To know God. To know Him better, to know who He is so that I want to serve Him. So that I will want to love, obey, and trust Him. I am having a hard time being passionate about someone I barely know.

To learn how to truly care for others, to put others before myself, to self sacrifice. To be so consumed with the needs of others that I don’t worry about my own. To trust that while serving others, that God has my needs taken care of. To share in the pains and joys of others, to truly listen to them, to build relationships with no hidden motives behind them – not expecting anything in return, not with the agenda of hoping to witness to them, just with the agenda of being the embodiment of Christ’s love to others.

To become fruitful. I was going to say, to be transformed and changed because those must take place in order to become fruitful, but I’d rather not stop at just being changed…or it’s not true change.

Another goal I have is to run a mile in the mornings to wake up…didn’t realize how unreasonable that was. The getting up earlier part is almost impossible.

Skip to something I’ve been thinking about in Kansas… One significant moment for me so far was last Saturday when we had a block party in Park City. Norm had asked me to take some photos, so I was taking pictures of the kids having a good time. I took a shot of the whole bounce house with an adult standing to the side of the jump. That was the last picture I ended up taking that day because I looked at the photo and realized there was a lady standing there with her hand on her hip and I wouldn’t want people to see that picture because I should be talking to her. I put my camera down and went over to talk to Autumn. I talked to her for a few minutes, and I figured out quickly that I didn’t know where to take the conversation. It definitely put me out of my comfort zone, but I would have been more uncomfortable if I had not gone to speak with her. I wasn’t the only one that talked to Autumn…she admitted to Norm that she thought church was boring and that she sends her child to church with her mother. I didn’t find that out because I’m scared of crossing a line and becoming too nosey. It’s an excuse, but I also need to be sensitive to the Spirit’s guidance to know when and what to talk about. I ended up talking to a few other adults throughout the week, and I just don’t know what it’s like to really care for them or how to do that. Hopefully as the summer continues I will learn more about talking to people as well as doing things for people…

I enjoyed the fact that God showed me something that I needed to do through my art, through me doing something that I enjoy. I hide behind my camera at times…but it was easy to put the camera down when I saw the photo differently than just a picture of some kids jumping and having fun.

My hope is that this summer I can draw closer to God and I do think that does entail fulfilling those goals and maybe a way of meeting those goals will be just seeing people with His eyes and heart – through a different lens.